I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
I don't believe these are real court rooms. They look absolutely nothing like law and order.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
I need to sanitize my soul.
Randomize
