I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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