Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
Drunk is a universal language darling
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
Randomize
