the next morning i told him i was impressed that he remembered my name. he said it wasn't that hard when "tracy
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Randomize
