i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
then I ended up getting a lapdance from my TA...I love college.
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
Randomize
