my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
Found the puke drawer
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
there is partying, then there is whatever we did last night.
Randomize
