i think i have herpe
just one?
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
