I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
