I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize
