I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
third nipple confirmed
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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