As heartfelt as your proposal was- I will NOT marry for money- especially to someone who still owes me $700. You r officially pathetic!!
I need to stop coming to work sober
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!