I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
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She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
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You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend