I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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