I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
Randomize
