I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
Don't tell me you're on acid again
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
