the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
Randomize
