why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
i think the world will end when pigs can fly. think about it, everyone says blah blah when pigs fly. so shit would be going down if they ever can.
oh fuck your right
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
did i walk over a car last night?
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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