so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
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