I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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