just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
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