We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
Is her dick bigger than yours?
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
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