I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
u r missing out we r watching a tranny direct traffic in a gstring
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
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