college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
Randomize
