where am i from again
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
Omg just want to confirm: got drunk, naked in street, fucked in bathroom and puked on bart.
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
just as he was about to cum he started shouting "I THINK I CAN! I THINK I CAN!" over and over again.
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Randomize
