Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
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