Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
I just used bulldog clips for nipple clamps. Also, a wooden spoon as a paddle. DYI Domination or Ghetto Bondage?
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
i found a picture from last night of you sat on the floor naked, covered in butter and crying. care to explain?
I was hoping you could tell me..
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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