There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
i need to put some appletini on your dick
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
Randomize
