areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
Randomize
