drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
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