I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
Randomize
