just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
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