You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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