i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
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