Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
Randomize
