Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
Randomize
