So you refered to him as "monster dick"...not so much
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
