Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
She needs to go. She is like the Yoko Ono of our group.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Randomize
