you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
Randomize
