i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
Randomize
