Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
Just bought the plane tickets. Light headed. Blood rush to clit oh god blue clit. Mayday mayday vagina down!
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
Randomize
