u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
Randomize
