Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
They are pre-gaming a trip to congress...not sure how politically correct the group is.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
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