cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
its like think what a normal person would think but completely the opposite.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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