theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
Sacagawea was the original milf.
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
Randomize
