I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
Randomize
