She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
