What happened to our ballroom dancing plans
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
Randomize
