I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
Okay so as of now, we may either be coming for one night, two nights, or not at all this weekend. It depends on Laura's toe and if I get my period. Will explain later
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
Randomize
