I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
You wouldn't stop crying and screaming Hilary Duff doesn't deserve Gossip Girl
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
Well I could just do a roadtrip and hit them all. Slut tour 2012.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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