I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize
