Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
the cops accepted 42 wallaby way Sydney. and the cops, and cab driver accepted the new address. please tell the win i am experiencing
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Randomize
