Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
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