Is it normal to miss your booty call?
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
