When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
tuscaloosa is terrifying
like people here are just empty shells of drugs and sin
there is no mercy here
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
