I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
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