If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
..puke & rally mid art final. HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO!
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Randomize
