his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
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