My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
he's 24. he finally texted me instead of using facebook chat. baby steps.
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
I got woken up by a construction worker, turns out I was laying in a hallway, naked and wrapped in a matress pad. To answer your question no, I did not study for this test I got David Hasselhoff drunk
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
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