Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
