I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
Panties = found
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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