I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
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